The Anti-Social Manifestor?

As I've stated in previous blog posts, I am a Manifestor, according to Human Design. We have the energetic components to inspire and initiate projects and events. I've read on a few descriptive sites that Manifestors, while they are natural born leaders when possessed with the energy to use their creative momentum, are more like lone wolves. This makes me wonder if the Manifestor is generally an introverted or extroverted person. Also previously mentioned in past blogs, I am an INFJ. This is the rarest personality type on the Myers Brigg's personality test. It also supports the idea that I am a lone wolf for this very reason. The INFJ personality is the most extroverted of introverts; this could indicate that I have the potential to be quite extroverted, but to be mistaken as an extroverted person would mean feeling the pressure of being expected to maintain levels of such energetic frequencies. I often must retreat into my lair- my domain of solitude and brooding inner-psyche. This is where the energetic collaboration that results in a manifestation of ideas and concepts emerges.

What I have seen happen to me a very limited yet striking number of times is this: I move to a place where my energy does not thrive. This happened to me at Oberlin Conservatory, and it's happened to me here at the University of Edinburgh. What's to be done when I find myself in a situation that suppresses and even cancels out my energetic qualities that make me the Manifestor that I am? How do I rise above a situation where I feel trapped and stuck? I am a Manifestor. We are rebellious and do not like being controlled, yet I am stuck in a situation brought on by my very self. I had no way of anticipating this kind of perpetual stagnancy. There's nothing that can shake the feeling of being immobile. It's one that derives from the circumstances of my surroundings and not so much from within; the issues that have risen from within are merely the effects of an environmental causation. 

The question then lies as this: what's to be done? I can take comfort in knowing my time here is limited, but the Marxist concept of starting and finishing a project that I can then hold before me in my very hands, knowing I saw its manifestation from birth to end does not exist. Instead, I am a cog in a wheel of my university's laziness and poor communication to its students. There is no catharsis to a situation where I am not energetically inspired to be the very thing I was designed to be. The only catharsis is in knowing I will soon be alleviated of such unproductiveness. I have three months to go. Three months of giving myself pep talks and using whatever energy I can summon in this inhabitable situation to complete a project I have limited manifesting attachment and passion towards. It leaves me with very little energy to do anything at all. I feel exhausted when I have done nothing. When I see friends and acquaintances they ask me how my dissertation is going or what I am writing on: it is never-ending. Can they not see that I do not wish to talk about it? Can they not see the stress it brings me? Perhaps they enjoy fretting about dissertations and talking about them on an endless loop, but I do not. It is only a reminder of the fact that I must complete the thing in the first place. The worst part is that they don't seem excited either. They seem anxious, like talking about it will release the anxiety when it only encourages it, goading it on.

Either way, the Manifestor in me has had enough. I chose this path, and that is perhaps why it is so conflicting for me to be absolutely sick of it. We Manifestors are not made for long hours spent on projects we are not passionate about. We don't have the energy to wish to continue on. When enough is enough, we cease whatever it is we were doing. Generally, when we are in control of our decisions this cessation rarely occurs. I suppose I thought in coming to study here I was in control of my life choices, but really I placed my life in the hands of the elite body of power that inhabits this university. I am no longer naively enamoured by such bodies. I know my values and have a better idea of what it is I want and need from my time here in this body on this planet. But I must go on. I must complete my journey here and save what I've learned as a reminder of what happens when I place my autonomy in the hands of some foreign body of power.


***Looking back many months after writing this, I see this problem was not mine alone, and was possibly an indication to the university's poor student to teacher communication. The university has very poor ratings on student experiences, but high ratings in the sciences for coming up with innovative discoveries. That is why the university ranks so high, but if they had taken the time to work on the issues many students are having, their ranking would be even higher. We weren't given enough guidance to know exactly what was expected of us, and as a result, we felt overwhelmed, timid, and confused about our work. If I had only had a better understanding of these expectations, perhaps I would have had a more productive time.