Manifestor Anger-Consciousness: Accepting the Not-Self

Hello readers. 

I am in the process of dealing with a number of unwanted feelings and thoughts and wanted to discuss what's going through my heart and mind. As per usual, the direction of my blog post changed as I wrote, to where the entire focus is on a theory I'd like to present called Anger-Consciousness. While this theory is geared towards Manifestors within Human Design, anger is an emotion that exists within us all, so I hope other Human Design types also find use in what I have to present.

Discovering one of my life goals

One of my favorite meditations, Meditation on Twin Hearts, by Master Choa Kok Sui, has really helped me access love and kindness within me. I recently came across a post that struck me as interesting. It defined a single word, but it is a word that truly resonates with who I am: omnism. Omnism is the recognition and respect of all religions. I find that in all of my experiences, there is a truth to be gained from every encounter. Whether that truth is exclusively emitted in a given belief, or whether that truth is emitted through that belief's omission of certain regards, it still has a way of elevating my consciousness. In other words, dark elements within spiritualism are just as much opportunities of discovering truth and enlightenment as are light elements. This balance is the theme of all things, and this post is no exception.

In fact, elevating my consciousness is my life goal. While Master Choa's meditation is a wonderful way to access important elements within my heart, it serves just a few of the many areas within myself that need awakening. In this moment, what needs awakening is acceptance of some of my less desired emotional states.

Depression in Manifestors

I go back to Human Design an awful lot. As a Manifestor, I have acknowledged and therefore learnt to relate to my Not-Self of anger. When I am depressed, in particular, I am actually suppressing anger. Now that I know this, every time I am depressed I take it a step deeper by going within and searching for the root cause of my depression. It is almost always because I feel a great injustice has occurred. A great injustice that I am incapable of correcting. A great injustice I feel powerless against amending. This helplessness in an awakened Manifestor results in anger. In a suppressed Manifestor it expresses itself through dejection and self-pity. 

Stage 1 of Anger-Consciousness

I'd like to introduce the concept that I just created called anger-consciousness. For Manifestors, it is key to our self-understanding to identify with and accept when we are angry. Anger is scary. Anger is scary not only for ourselves but for those around us. It is no wonder many people such as myself have been conditioned to suppress their anger. However, accessing this inner feeling is key to my ability to move forward in my Human Design experiment.

I still remember my first Pranic Healing after a Twin Hearts meditation. The phenomenal woman who healed me lifted enormous energetic weights off my shoulders and told me that she felt a lot of anger and was able to help clear that energy. I had recently gone through a terrible breakup and had been depressed and hysterical for weeks prior to venturing out. If you would have asked me how I was feeling I would never have said angry. I would have said depressed, sad, heartbroken, confused, torn. I was told by family that I should be mad. They didn't understand why I wasn't. That's how conditioned I had been, for whatever reasons, to hold back my design of anger. Once I recognized I really was angry, I started to feel a slight shift within me.

Stage 2 of Anger-Consciousness

Thus began the second stage of my anger-consciousness. I first found I got angry more quickly than sad. I've seen some ugly sides of myself in this awakened state. I was told in a meditation group in Edinburgh, Scotland that anger was completely unnecessary and that we can live a life entirely of beneficial emotions. I wasn't the only one skeptical of this theory. While the idea of only feeling happiness, peace, and other serene emotions is appealing, I think it was unrealistic for me to try to find ways around being angry. I wanted to believe in the meditation leader's theory because it sounded good, but in reality it was the most blatant example of conditioning I have yet to see. The truth is, all emotions exist within us, and they are all temporary.

Holding attachment to certain emotions is what prevents me from raising my consciousness. It's not necessarily the emotion itself that holds me back. More often than not it is the lingering thoughts I have about the situation that create a cycle of feelings. These feelings are temporary, yet they are consistent because they involve self-judgment and a continual re-enactment of the emotionally-charged event. This is the cycle of depression in which I had so often found myself involved. Through identifying and understanding the cycle, I was able to tap into the underlying cause of the depression: my thoughts. I came to the conclusion that the antithesis of anger is not actually peace. It is another element of Human Design that I've yet to find ample research. The antithesis of both anger and peace, of all types' signatures and not-selves, is thought.

Stage 3 of Anger-Consciousness

While Human Design states that a Manifestor's signature is peace, it doesn't actually define peace. (It doesn't define anger either, for that matter). It assumes we have an innate understanding of the two. Peace and anger are more similar to one another than they are antitheses. Anger is often a chronic condition that occurs under certain circumstances, all of which are made worse by thought. For the Manifestor, this is through not following one's strategy of informing. I find that even when I inform I still feel anger when others ignore or try to take advantage of me, so I knew this element of Human Design had more to it than mere strategy. Even if we follow our strategies, thoughts from the head center have a way of sabotaging the natural order of our designs.

Likewise, peace is a chronic condition that occurs when, according to HD, we follow our strategy. Peace is made to be an emotion when, in reality, I do not believe that is so. This is an aspect of HD that I feel contains a hole. It sets us up for conditioning in of itself when we believe that following our designs alone will result in peace while not following our designs will result in anger. Human Design needs to take it its terminology a step further so that we don't get confused and end up going through these de-conditioning stages of anger (or bitter, or frustration, or disappointment)-consciousnesses that I have proposed.

It briefly covers the importance of not listening to the head center for any decisions whatsoever, yet it does not cover the fact that, even if we choose not to operate according to the head center, thoughts still have a way of making us second guess ourselves. Thoughts alone can lead to experiencing a suppressed, non-actualized not-self of depression or stagnation. This is so important to take into account!

Stage 4 of Anger-Consciousness

And thus I have arrived at the next stage in anger-consciousness. Peace only occurs when we accept the anger as an integral part of ourselves. Peace only occurs when we accept and allow anger to flow through us as a natural part of our design without letting thoughts control us or dictate how we feel about ourselves. We are going to feel anger, and that is perfectly normal. Accepting all emotions is the only way to achieve peace, for peace exists solely when we acknowledge and allow all emotions to flow through us as if we are mere vents to the onslaught of experience. We are passengers on the train of human experience, not critics!

I am still in this stage because it will take a while for me to work through all that I am angry about. I harbor thoughts of self-judgment for harboring the feelings, which is counterproductive. I am shocked by the anger I feel within me over numerous things. Some of those things are as minute as my cat drinking water out of a plant container or popping my door open for fun. Others are larger, such as the current state of the world, or insensitive things someone said to me that hurt my feelings.

At the end of the day, I feel fear of the anger, like it will take over and fuel hatred deep within me. I fear my loved ones won't respect or love me any more after they see my anger. Some have already seen it and it has not deterred them from loving me. I am my harshest critic, my own worst enemy, as the expressions go. I have a feeling that overcoming these thought-inspired fears and fully accepting myself is the final stage, which is why I've had a difficult time getting to stage 5. I hope to post a blog about the final stage in the near future so that I can continue to elevate my consciousness.

In Conclusion

It's almost ironic how, in elevating my consciousness I've had to see ugly parts of myself that I didn't know existed. It was easy enough to say I wanted to become the best I could be before I knew even a taste of the lower-consciousness in which I would be discovering within myself. It had to come out in order for me to realize and rise above it. I hope to grow from my experiences and understandings of myself so that I can achieve true unconditional love. It is only through freeing my mind from its laborious judgments that I can accomplish this.